well, fuck
Jun. 26th, 2020 12:22 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kindkitToday I am mostly feeling self-loathing and fraud fear. Hello, old buddies, it's been a while.
It was brought on by a comic I read on Twitter, about someone's process of gender exploration and discovery. It starts out with this person's feelings of transmasculine identity (which they hadn't really acknowledged or understood until their mid-30s) and their desire to change their body to be more masculine. So I'm nodding along in recognition.
And then came the kicker. The next bit was about gender stereotypes, and they listed ways in which they felt conventionally masculine and also ways in which they felt conventionally feminine. Again, I'm nodding along.
Next panel: "So, I'm not a man."
Picture me, staring in horror and going "WTF that's not how it works!!! You don't have to conform to every stereotypical trait of your gender!!! FUCK THAT."
Comic goes on to conclude with the person realizing they're non-binary.
Just to be clear, I am NOT questioning this person's identity. They feel non-binary, they are non-binary. Awesome!
But it felt so much like they were calling my identity into question. Not conventionally masculine = not a man. Right? Right???
Echoing every single doubt I've ever had for so many years. Maybe I'm not really a man because I cry. Maybe I'm not really a man because I like to cook. Maybe I'm not really a man because I have no interest in team sports. Maybe I'm not really a man because sometimes I think I would like to color my hair or wear nail polish or eyeliner or fancy clothes.
I mean, I know all of this is bullshit. I don't consider men to be "not men" if they do those things and have those interests! So why does it sound so much more plausible when I think it about myself?
BRB, need to stomp on some brainworms.
. . . okay. I know that I'm a man. I've known for years, and if confirmation were needed, the changes in my body that have happened since I started on testosterone have all felt very right and welcome. I also know that gender stereotypes are not only bullshit, they're tools of oppression. Everyone should enjoy what they enjoy, regardless of gender.
But damn, the doubt and fear that cisnormativity instills in us are powerful.
This is one reason why I take such comfort and pleasure in Rusty Quill stuff (you knew I'd get there eventually, yeah?): seeing a bunch of cis (as far as I know) men who are doing masculinity in a whole bunch of different ways, some of which involve hair dye and nail varnish and baking, and also having feelings and trying not to be toxic disasters. Men like that are everywhere, of course, but it's handy to have several of them gathered together.
It was brought on by a comic I read on Twitter, about someone's process of gender exploration and discovery. It starts out with this person's feelings of transmasculine identity (which they hadn't really acknowledged or understood until their mid-30s) and their desire to change their body to be more masculine. So I'm nodding along in recognition.
And then came the kicker. The next bit was about gender stereotypes, and they listed ways in which they felt conventionally masculine and also ways in which they felt conventionally feminine. Again, I'm nodding along.
Next panel: "So, I'm not a man."
Picture me, staring in horror and going "WTF that's not how it works!!! You don't have to conform to every stereotypical trait of your gender!!! FUCK THAT."
Comic goes on to conclude with the person realizing they're non-binary.
Just to be clear, I am NOT questioning this person's identity. They feel non-binary, they are non-binary. Awesome!
But it felt so much like they were calling my identity into question. Not conventionally masculine = not a man. Right? Right???
Echoing every single doubt I've ever had for so many years. Maybe I'm not really a man because I cry. Maybe I'm not really a man because I like to cook. Maybe I'm not really a man because I have no interest in team sports. Maybe I'm not really a man because sometimes I think I would like to color my hair or wear nail polish or eyeliner or fancy clothes.
I mean, I know all of this is bullshit. I don't consider men to be "not men" if they do those things and have those interests! So why does it sound so much more plausible when I think it about myself?
BRB, need to stomp on some brainworms.
. . . okay. I know that I'm a man. I've known for years, and if confirmation were needed, the changes in my body that have happened since I started on testosterone have all felt very right and welcome. I also know that gender stereotypes are not only bullshit, they're tools of oppression. Everyone should enjoy what they enjoy, regardless of gender.
But damn, the doubt and fear that cisnormativity instills in us are powerful.
This is one reason why I take such comfort and pleasure in Rusty Quill stuff (you knew I'd get there eventually, yeah?): seeing a bunch of cis (as far as I know) men who are doing masculinity in a whole bunch of different ways, some of which involve hair dye and nail varnish and baking, and also having feelings and trying not to be toxic disasters. Men like that are everywhere, of course, but it's handy to have several of them gathered together.
no subject
Date: 2020-06-26 09:28 pm (UTC)*hugs*
A person cannot define themselves from the outside in. I am glad that you know not to, even if you have to kick your brain occasionally to remind it. I am also glad you have Rusty Quill. It's a whole lot easier if it's not just you reminding your brain.
no subject
Date: 2020-06-26 11:04 pm (UTC)Have you read this article here about trans kids? It's a joyous read! I used to dress as a boy and tell kids I met on holiday that I was called Stephen, but I never had the absolute conviction they did.
no subject
Date: 2020-06-27 10:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-06-27 08:27 pm (UTC)Brainworms are the worst. Big stompy Python-esque giant feet to you for crushing them.
no subject
Date: 2020-06-28 01:29 pm (UTC)Cliff Pervocracy had a good post somewhere about the temptation to reach for stereotypically "masculine" or "feminine" traits because as a trans person you're constantly expected to "justify" why you're the gender you are and how you know you are, and it's hard to go "well, I think what's conventionally masculine or feminine is all a social construct, but nonetheless I am a man because ... I JUST AM". Like trying to describe the colour blue.