that pride meme
Jun. 6th, 2022 01:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kindkitMight as well. Under the cut because some of this might be TMI. I've skipped a few questions that I didn't want to answer.
Sexuality: Gay. In terms of purely sexual attraction I'm about a Kinsey 5 (with a notable discrepancy between porn, where I can find women's bodies hot, and meatspace where I virtually never do). Romantically I'm pretty much only into guys, though, and being gay is a really foundational part of my identity, so: gay.
Gender Pronouns: He/him/his
Gender: Male. I have a complicated relationship to male gendering, because as a gay trans man I've spent many years desiring maleness in all kinds of ways while also recognizing the prevalence and perniciousness of toxic masculinity. While also also really enjoying and longing for a certain kind of tragic masculinity, viz Lawrence of Arabia. Since we all individualize our genders these days, mine might be "Effeminate male who will discourse at you about the value of effeminacy while also secretly longing to be a Sad Soldier."
Relationship Status: Single. Don't entirely know if I want to change that. I need a lot of alone time for my well-being, and I'm kind of scared of commitments and demands. But it's also nice to love and be loved. And then there's sex, which . . . right now my dysphoria means I can't imagine having sex with someone, because my body isn't right. But if I'm able to at least get top surgery, that might change.
Celebrity Crush: Taika Waititi. I don't actually know that much about him, but his performance and his look as Blackbeard hit me right in the gender goals. I mean, look at this:
And also this:
Sometimes that old familiar mix of "I want to be him and also fuck him" is quite enjoyable.
Based on interviews and stuff, Taika also seems like a lovely person. Fingers crossed that he doesn't turn out to be horrible in some way.
Besides Taika, and for a different value of "celebrity": Grant Howitt, the TTRPG designer. He's appeared in several Rusty Quill specials and he's funny and smart and ridiculously hot.
Crush: I haven't had an in-person crush in a long time. I have a few Twitter sort-of crushes. (Sorry, DW folks. It's just that very few of you are guys.)
Best Friend:
When I came out: 2009. On LJ. I was out online for ten years before I started transitioning and coming out in meatspace.
First Person I Came Out To: Online, literally all of you. In meatspace: a then-friend (friendship ended for unrelated reasons), and then my buddy J., and then one of my co-workers who had just outed himself as trans in the context of a workplace discussion about LGBT issues. And then my boss. I'm not in contact with any of my family, for reasons that are nothing to do with being trans, so that's not a thing. I did come out on Facebook though as literally my last ever post there, so family members probably saw it.
First GF/BF: A guy named John. We were in high school. I was still female-presenting then, obvs, but he did come out to me as bi.
First heartbreak: As I recall, John broke up with me but after about 10 minutes of crying I realized I was relieved. I had a bad breakup in college, and a really unbelievably bad and drawn out one a couple of years later. The latter still hurts a bit almost 30 years on.
Crush on a straight person: This is such a complicated question when you're trans and didn't start transitioning until late! Taika's straight, as far as I'm aware. Does that count?
Fallen for a friend: I used to do this all the time and it's so, so bad. And one time a friend fell for me, and it was someone I wasn't romantically interested in, and that was also bad. I can never read "friends to lovers" stories, and while I know it happens in real life, I'm always astonished.
Cool straight friend:
Cool queer friend:
Person that made me doubt my sexuality:
Am I proud of my sexuality: Well, I'm not ashamed of it.
Am I comfortable with my sexuality: It doesn't worry me, if that's what this question means. I don't want to change it. I'm not comfortable at all with the current configuration of my body, and that makes sexuality complicated and difficult.
Describe myself: Those pictures up there are definitely me. (Okay, fine. 5'8"--almost--, fattish, white, glasses, short light brown hair with a lot of gray in it, complexion entirely too pink and thanks to testosterone rather acne-prone at the moment, the sad sparse beginnings of a beard (mostly on my neck, alas), wearing the standard "trans man who hasn't had top surgery" uniform of a black t-shirt over a binder, with a more colorful short-sleeved shirt open over that to conceal the weird bulges the binder creates.
My queer hero: Queer heroes have a bad habit of turning out to be shitheads. Also I love all the problematic gay kings who ended up in plays by Shakespeare and Marlowe.
Favorite part of being queer: Okay, I'm not going to say this is good or that everyone should feel this. This is just about me. But: being a queer kid and young adult at a time and place when there were no visible trans men (so that I didn't understand my own feelings and didn't know I was trans until I was in my late 30s), and very little queer representation at all, gave me an intense engagement with fantasy and with texts that's been a pleasure and a consolation throughout my life.
It is without question better that queer kids now (in the west, at least) are able to see themselves in the world and can just be. But I've never been very good at just being, honestly. As somebody famously said, "Some people say life is the thing, but I prefer fictional gay pirates."
Sexuality: Gay. In terms of purely sexual attraction I'm about a Kinsey 5 (with a notable discrepancy between porn, where I can find women's bodies hot, and meatspace where I virtually never do). Romantically I'm pretty much only into guys, though, and being gay is a really foundational part of my identity, so: gay.
Gender Pronouns: He/him/his
Gender: Male. I have a complicated relationship to male gendering, because as a gay trans man I've spent many years desiring maleness in all kinds of ways while also recognizing the prevalence and perniciousness of toxic masculinity. While also also really enjoying and longing for a certain kind of tragic masculinity, viz Lawrence of Arabia. Since we all individualize our genders these days, mine might be "Effeminate male who will discourse at you about the value of effeminacy while also secretly longing to be a Sad Soldier."
Relationship Status: Single. Don't entirely know if I want to change that. I need a lot of alone time for my well-being, and I'm kind of scared of commitments and demands. But it's also nice to love and be loved. And then there's sex, which . . . right now my dysphoria means I can't imagine having sex with someone, because my body isn't right. But if I'm able to at least get top surgery, that might change.
Celebrity Crush: Taika Waititi. I don't actually know that much about him, but his performance and his look as Blackbeard hit me right in the gender goals. I mean, look at this:
And also this:
Sometimes that old familiar mix of "I want to be him and also fuck him" is quite enjoyable.
Based on interviews and stuff, Taika also seems like a lovely person. Fingers crossed that he doesn't turn out to be horrible in some way.
Besides Taika, and for a different value of "celebrity": Grant Howitt, the TTRPG designer. He's appeared in several Rusty Quill specials and he's funny and smart and ridiculously hot.
Crush: I haven't had an in-person crush in a long time. I have a few Twitter sort-of crushes. (Sorry, DW folks. It's just that very few of you are guys.)
When I came out: 2009. On LJ. I was out online for ten years before I started transitioning and coming out in meatspace.
First Person I Came Out To: Online, literally all of you. In meatspace: a then-friend (friendship ended for unrelated reasons), and then my buddy J., and then one of my co-workers who had just outed himself as trans in the context of a workplace discussion about LGBT issues. And then my boss. I'm not in contact with any of my family, for reasons that are nothing to do with being trans, so that's not a thing. I did come out on Facebook though as literally my last ever post there, so family members probably saw it.
First GF/BF: A guy named John. We were in high school. I was still female-presenting then, obvs, but he did come out to me as bi.
First heartbreak: As I recall, John broke up with me but after about 10 minutes of crying I realized I was relieved. I had a bad breakup in college, and a really unbelievably bad and drawn out one a couple of years later. The latter still hurts a bit almost 30 years on.
Crush on a straight person: This is such a complicated question when you're trans and didn't start transitioning until late! Taika's straight, as far as I'm aware. Does that count?
Fallen for a friend: I used to do this all the time and it's so, so bad. And one time a friend fell for me, and it was someone I wasn't romantically interested in, and that was also bad. I can never read "friends to lovers" stories, and while I know it happens in real life, I'm always astonished.
Am I proud of my sexuality: Well, I'm not ashamed of it.
Am I comfortable with my sexuality: It doesn't worry me, if that's what this question means. I don't want to change it. I'm not comfortable at all with the current configuration of my body, and that makes sexuality complicated and difficult.
Describe myself: Those pictures up there are definitely me. (Okay, fine. 5'8"--almost--, fattish, white, glasses, short light brown hair with a lot of gray in it, complexion entirely too pink and thanks to testosterone rather acne-prone at the moment, the sad sparse beginnings of a beard (mostly on my neck, alas), wearing the standard "trans man who hasn't had top surgery" uniform of a black t-shirt over a binder, with a more colorful short-sleeved shirt open over that to conceal the weird bulges the binder creates.
My queer hero: Queer heroes have a bad habit of turning out to be shitheads. Also I love all the problematic gay kings who ended up in plays by Shakespeare and Marlowe.
Favorite part of being queer: Okay, I'm not going to say this is good or that everyone should feel this. This is just about me. But: being a queer kid and young adult at a time and place when there were no visible trans men (so that I didn't understand my own feelings and didn't know I was trans until I was in my late 30s), and very little queer representation at all, gave me an intense engagement with fantasy and with texts that's been a pleasure and a consolation throughout my life.
It is without question better that queer kids now (in the west, at least) are able to see themselves in the world and can just be. But I've never been very good at just being, honestly. As somebody famously said, "Some people say life is the thing, but I prefer fictional gay pirates."
