the absolute state of me
Apr. 9th, 2025 07:51 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kindkitWell, back again after another loooong hiatus. I didn't mean to be silent for so long (as always), but the last 3 months have been taken up with errands and appointments of unbearable tediousness. Also, *gestures vaguely around at the state of the world*. It's been hard to do anything but look at the news and worry.
1) Name change: the various steps of this got delayed when I got a Mysterious Respiratory Illness at the end of January (more on this later) that left me tired for quite a while. But I finally managed to update my driver's license, which took 3 trips. Trip 1: Oh, I see appointments are required now. Trip 2: After waiting an hour past my appointment time, I learn that if I wait two more days, I can renew my driver's license at the same time and not have to pay twice. But it cannot be done two days early. Trip 3: Success! Also went to the bank that day to update my name on my bank account.
Note that every visit to the MVD involved an Uber, because it's far from the nearest bus and I didn't want to risk being late.
1a) No, I still don't have a car. It's been over a year now. I was waiting until I could access my retirement account (turns out I can't, I was mistaken about the age requirement), then came the US Dept of Education informing me that I still owed them $$$$$ on student loans that I thought had been rolled into the ones I was already paying, nobody having told me otherwise for EIGHT YEARS. So my monthly payments have nearly tripled. And now the price of cars is likely to skyrocket due to tariffs, so I'm not likely to have a car anytime soon. I wish public transportation here in my oh-so-progressive and environmentally aware town wasn't so awful. The latest thing is that they moved a whole bunch of bus stops due to construction, so what used to be a 20-25 minute walk between the bus stop and my work is now 30+, on a heavily trafficked and frankly dangerous road rather than being mostly a nice stroll by the park along the river. The move is temporary, but I know the pace of construction around here.
2) Reading and watching and etc. Unfortunately, the return of Trump has meant the return of my focus difficulties, and I'm finding it hard to read again. I keep bogging down. I am currently bogged down in Great Eastern, by Howard J. Rodman (a Victorian pastiche featuring Isambard Kingdom Brunel, Captain Ahab, and Captain Nemo--I'm still not sure if it's silly or Extremely Serious) and The Athenian Murders, by V. J. Randle (murder mystery set in contemporary Athens, but the murders have elements of ancient Greek religious ritual; thus far my vote is for silly despite some attempts at talking about policing, fascism, and the plight of refugees). I did manage to finish The Helios Syndrome by Vivian Shaw, she of the Greta Helsing supernatural doctor novels. This one is contemporary, with the mc a psychic who assists in the investigation of airplane crashes, and I liked it a lot right up until the utterly ridiculous ending. I also read Melissa Scott's newest Astreiant novel, Point of Hearts, with enjoyment probably based more in my longstanding love for the world than the quality of the novel itself. (To be fair, I was expecting a very different book. Based on some WIP snippets Scott posted on her Patreon, I thought it would be Istre-centric. Instead, Istre's not in it at all. Maybe that'll be the next book.)
I continue to listen to a ton of podcasts, because I have a long commute. Mostly nonfiction ones that I've talked about in previous posts, but I'm always trying to find more. Currently I'm trying out Cautionary Tales, which is basically stories of things going horribly wrong and what we can learn from them--I like the actual content a lot, but there are really irritating moments of dramatization, voiced by actors of varied abilities.
3) Health: due to length and also TW for eye surgery and different possibly serious stuff, this one's going under a cut.
3a) As mentioned, I had a Mysterious Respiratory Illness at the end of January, which I caught from co-workers who came to work sick and couldn't be bothered to wear a goddamn mask. I do still mask, but I share a very cramped office space with a bunch of other people, and the probable culprit sits right near me. There was no way to avoid exposure unless I was going to go all day without drinking water. Anyway, my symptoms felt exactly like when I had Covid (tight chest, cough, fever, fatigue) but I tested negative for Covid every time. All my test kits were seriously out of date, though. After I got better I discarded them and bought some new ones.
3b) As soon as I started recovering from the crud, spring allergy season kicked in and I spent another six weeks feeling terrible.
3c) In March I had a hole poked in my eye with a laser! Which sounds vastly more dramatic than it actually was--the whole thing took about 20 seconds and was over literally before I knew it had started--I thought the doctor was still calibrating. The purpose of the exciting laser experience was to deal with a secondary cataract that had developed in my left eye, which is a thing that can happen after cataract surgery. Apparently my eyes really like making cataracts!
I can see much better now, which is good. Probably at some point I'll have to get the right eye done as well, but for now I'm only experiencing minor problems with that one.
3d) I may be developing glaucoma. Apparently that's easily and effectively treatable these days, so I won't have to go blind from it like my grandfather did. (Don't waste any sympathetic thoughts on him. He deserved much worse.)
3e) And now that the lede is well buried: At my last doctor's visit, I told my doctor that I've been experiencing pelvic pain--like menstrual cramps, but I haven't had a period since 2016. At which point she put on her Concerned Doctor face and referred me for an ultrasound.
The ultrasound was an awkward experience (I've had one before, but at the time I was sick to the point of complete passivity and indifference.) It revealed . . . stuff, which I am assured is Probably Not Cancer. Nevertheless, I have a follow-up MRI scheduled, as well as a referral to a specialist gynecologist.
There's something darkly hilarious about the idea of the uterus and ovaries that I never wanted in the first place giving me Probably Not Cancer. I'm also looking forward with joy to being a visibly male person, with thinning hair and some degree of stubble, in the gynecologist's waiting room.
Even if this turns out to be Definitely Not Cancer, I wouldn't be surprised if some kind of surgery happens, given that I am experiencing pain and it's becoming more frequent. Which will eat into the money and PTO that I was saving up to hopefully get goddamn top surgery some day.
If it is cancer . . . I think I'm mostly worried about how I'd cope with the treatments, since I'm single and live alone and very much need to earn a paycheck.
Trying to be optimistic, though it doesn't come naturally. Dr. Google has affirmed that my specific issues are really unlikely to be cancer. But it's impossible not to worry. (I was numb-ish for a couple of days, but it's hitting me now.)
I feel so old. I'm getting all the old people health problems and I don't like it. Also recently an Uber driver asked if I had grandchildren. I am indeed plenty old enough to have grandchildren, but I didn't need the reminder.
4) More cheerful news? I dunno. I got a haircut today? John Oliver did a really good segment about trans athletes? (It's on YouTube.) There's going to be a third Knives Out movie?
1) Name change: the various steps of this got delayed when I got a Mysterious Respiratory Illness at the end of January (more on this later) that left me tired for quite a while. But I finally managed to update my driver's license, which took 3 trips. Trip 1: Oh, I see appointments are required now. Trip 2: After waiting an hour past my appointment time, I learn that if I wait two more days, I can renew my driver's license at the same time and not have to pay twice. But it cannot be done two days early. Trip 3: Success! Also went to the bank that day to update my name on my bank account.
Note that every visit to the MVD involved an Uber, because it's far from the nearest bus and I didn't want to risk being late.
1a) No, I still don't have a car. It's been over a year now. I was waiting until I could access my retirement account (turns out I can't, I was mistaken about the age requirement), then came the US Dept of Education informing me that I still owed them $$$$$ on student loans that I thought had been rolled into the ones I was already paying, nobody having told me otherwise for EIGHT YEARS. So my monthly payments have nearly tripled. And now the price of cars is likely to skyrocket due to tariffs, so I'm not likely to have a car anytime soon. I wish public transportation here in my oh-so-progressive and environmentally aware town wasn't so awful. The latest thing is that they moved a whole bunch of bus stops due to construction, so what used to be a 20-25 minute walk between the bus stop and my work is now 30+, on a heavily trafficked and frankly dangerous road rather than being mostly a nice stroll by the park along the river. The move is temporary, but I know the pace of construction around here.
2) Reading and watching and etc. Unfortunately, the return of Trump has meant the return of my focus difficulties, and I'm finding it hard to read again. I keep bogging down. I am currently bogged down in Great Eastern, by Howard J. Rodman (a Victorian pastiche featuring Isambard Kingdom Brunel, Captain Ahab, and Captain Nemo--I'm still not sure if it's silly or Extremely Serious) and The Athenian Murders, by V. J. Randle (murder mystery set in contemporary Athens, but the murders have elements of ancient Greek religious ritual; thus far my vote is for silly despite some attempts at talking about policing, fascism, and the plight of refugees). I did manage to finish The Helios Syndrome by Vivian Shaw, she of the Greta Helsing supernatural doctor novels. This one is contemporary, with the mc a psychic who assists in the investigation of airplane crashes, and I liked it a lot right up until the utterly ridiculous ending. I also read Melissa Scott's newest Astreiant novel, Point of Hearts, with enjoyment probably based more in my longstanding love for the world than the quality of the novel itself. (To be fair, I was expecting a very different book. Based on some WIP snippets Scott posted on her Patreon, I thought it would be Istre-centric. Instead, Istre's not in it at all. Maybe that'll be the next book.)
I continue to listen to a ton of podcasts, because I have a long commute. Mostly nonfiction ones that I've talked about in previous posts, but I'm always trying to find more. Currently I'm trying out Cautionary Tales, which is basically stories of things going horribly wrong and what we can learn from them--I like the actual content a lot, but there are really irritating moments of dramatization, voiced by actors of varied abilities.
3) Health: due to length and also TW for eye surgery and different possibly serious stuff, this one's going under a cut.
3a) As mentioned, I had a Mysterious Respiratory Illness at the end of January, which I caught from co-workers who came to work sick and couldn't be bothered to wear a goddamn mask. I do still mask, but I share a very cramped office space with a bunch of other people, and the probable culprit sits right near me. There was no way to avoid exposure unless I was going to go all day without drinking water. Anyway, my symptoms felt exactly like when I had Covid (tight chest, cough, fever, fatigue) but I tested negative for Covid every time. All my test kits were seriously out of date, though. After I got better I discarded them and bought some new ones.
3b) As soon as I started recovering from the crud, spring allergy season kicked in and I spent another six weeks feeling terrible.
3c) In March I had a hole poked in my eye with a laser! Which sounds vastly more dramatic than it actually was--the whole thing took about 20 seconds and was over literally before I knew it had started--I thought the doctor was still calibrating. The purpose of the exciting laser experience was to deal with a secondary cataract that had developed in my left eye, which is a thing that can happen after cataract surgery. Apparently my eyes really like making cataracts!
I can see much better now, which is good. Probably at some point I'll have to get the right eye done as well, but for now I'm only experiencing minor problems with that one.
3d) I may be developing glaucoma. Apparently that's easily and effectively treatable these days, so I won't have to go blind from it like my grandfather did. (Don't waste any sympathetic thoughts on him. He deserved much worse.)
3e) And now that the lede is well buried: At my last doctor's visit, I told my doctor that I've been experiencing pelvic pain--like menstrual cramps, but I haven't had a period since 2016. At which point she put on her Concerned Doctor face and referred me for an ultrasound.
The ultrasound was an awkward experience (I've had one before, but at the time I was sick to the point of complete passivity and indifference.) It revealed . . . stuff, which I am assured is Probably Not Cancer. Nevertheless, I have a follow-up MRI scheduled, as well as a referral to a specialist gynecologist.
There's something darkly hilarious about the idea of the uterus and ovaries that I never wanted in the first place giving me Probably Not Cancer. I'm also looking forward with joy to being a visibly male person, with thinning hair and some degree of stubble, in the gynecologist's waiting room.
Even if this turns out to be Definitely Not Cancer, I wouldn't be surprised if some kind of surgery happens, given that I am experiencing pain and it's becoming more frequent. Which will eat into the money and PTO that I was saving up to hopefully get goddamn top surgery some day.
If it is cancer . . . I think I'm mostly worried about how I'd cope with the treatments, since I'm single and live alone and very much need to earn a paycheck.
Trying to be optimistic, though it doesn't come naturally. Dr. Google has affirmed that my specific issues are really unlikely to be cancer. But it's impossible not to worry. (I was numb-ish for a couple of days, but it's hitting me now.)
I feel so old. I'm getting all the old people health problems and I don't like it. Also recently an Uber driver asked if I had grandchildren. I am indeed plenty old enough to have grandchildren, but I didn't need the reminder.
4) More cheerful news? I dunno. I got a haircut today? John Oliver did a really good segment about trans athletes? (It's on YouTube.) There's going to be a third Knives Out movie?
