it's possible I should be a hermit

[kindkit]

I've now had 14 sessions of physical therapy to deal with my rotator cuff injury, and I swear, the worst part of it (worse even than the discomfort of having my body looked at, or the very frequent misgendering) is the small talk.

The therapists themselves are mostly okay, but there's a rotating cast of techs who supervise most of the exercises. They're all very very young women, who've probably all been trained that they should be friendly to clients, and they all. want. to. chat. I do not want to chat. I especially do not want to chat when I'm trying to count reps of my exercises, or cope with pain, or both. Also, because there are so many of them, it's the same questions over and over.

But it did make me wonder if I'm unusually averse to small talk from strangers. Hence, a poll.

The following questions are about how you react to "small talk" questions, addressed to you, from a stranger in a not-exactly-social context (e.g. a hair stylist, taxi/Uber driver, physical therapy tech, etc.) It's not about small talk at parties or other primarily social situations. It's also not about chat with co-workers or other people you see regularly (e.g. your hairstylist that you've seen every two months for the last ten years).

I know that sometimes "small talk" is micro-aggressions, and I've noted that possibility for a couple of the more likely questions, but it may be there in others that I'm less aware of.

Enlighten me, DreamWidth! Is it just me, or do we all hate small talk?

Poll #24754 The Small Talk with Strangers Poll

Open to: Registered Users, detailed results viewable to: Just the Poll Creator, participants: 30

1) "How's your day been?", "Did you have a nice weekend?" and the like:

Normal small talk
20 (66.7%)

Intrusive/too personal
1 (3.3%)

Uncomfortable for some other reason
0 (0.0%)

I guess it's normal small talk but I still don't like it
9 (30.0%)

2) "What are you up to with the rest of your day?", "Do you have plans for the weekend?" and the like:

Normal small talk
11 (36.7%)

Intrusive/too personal
8 (26.7%)

Uncomfortable for some other reason
2 (6.7%)

I guess it's normal small talk but I still don't like it
9 (30.0%)

3) "Are you from here originally?" and the like:

Normal small talk
11 (36.7%)

Intrusive/too personal
8 (26.7%)

A racist micro-aggression
6 (20.0%)

Uncomfortable for some other reason
2 (6.7%)

I guess it's normal small talk but I still don't like it
3 (10.0%)

4) "Do you have family here?" and the like:

Normal small talk
6 (20.0%)

Intrusive/too personal
17 (56.7%)

Uncomfortable for some other reason
2 (6.7%)

I guess it's normal small talk but I still don't like it
5 (16.7%)

5) "Are you married?", "Do you have kids?" and the like:

Normal small talk
1 (3.3%)

Intrusive/too personal
11 (36.7%)

A cisheterosexist micro-aggression
11 (36.7%)

Uncomfortable for some other reason
0 (0.0%)

I guess it's normal small talk but I still don't like it
7 (23.3%)

Comments

[genarti]

I answered, but there were several where it varies depending on the delivery and context? Like, if there's something leading up to "are you from around here originally?" and it's asked with neutral curiosity, that's one thing; if it's out of nowhere, that's another. If the person asks about my weekend in a friendly but perfunctory way, that's fine, but if they seem intensely interested in the answer or really dig into the details of something I'm cheerfully vague about, that's gonna make me twitchy.

I don't think I'd want to small talk while counting reps of painful PT, though, in any case.

[sovay]

If the person asks about my weekend in a friendly but perfunctory way, that's fine, but if they seem intensely interested in the answer or really dig into the details of something I'm cheerfully vague about, that's gonna make me twitchy.

+1.

[tree_and_leaf]

Yes, I agree with all of that.

[snickfic]

Going by this poll, all I want to talk about is the weather and local politics. Impersonal things! Things that are of general interest and not about me! Tell me about your PT tech union or something, I'd love to hear about that.

[lilacsigil]

To be clear, if someone asks me "are you from around here originally?" that's fine, but if they ask st_aurafina or ask me about her, that's a racist micro-aggression (we are both white but she is half-Italian, looks very Italian and has an Italian name, and that's Not Quite White here.)

I work with some extroverts, and had to learn about them, and apparently small talk is painful to introverts because interaction is a price we pay for interesting conversations; whereas for extroverts the interaction *is* the reward, hence enjoyment of small talk. One of my co-workers is so extroverted that if nobody is around she will talk to herself.

I would especially be upset at people trying to chat to me while I'm in pain or trying to count. I do not have the energy for that. Then again, I find it so annoying that I have more than once pretended to have lost my voice at the hairdresser. (Obviously I'm not doing this during the current pandemic!)

[sovay]

Further notes—

(1) strikes me as not just normal but inevitable. Some form of "How are you doing?" is bound to crop up. I don't generally mind.

If we are having a pleasant exchange of small talk, (2) is a reasonable follow-up to (1). If I am not responding as if I wish to continue to the conversation, then (2) is intrusive. It is also one of the questions which I may not wish to answer having nothing to do with courtesy and everything to do with whether it feels safe to share that information.

I can imagine contexts in which (3) and (4) are neutral questions, say, if both parties are talking about their family histories, but I have spent my entire life being told that I don't sound—sometimes that I don't even look—as though I was born in the city/country I was born in, which makes it very difficult for me not to interpret questions about my origins as some kind of microaggression.

(5) is actual talk, not small talk, so if total strangers have just been sort of breezing up and asking you, what the hell, total strangers! If a person volunteers information about their partnership status in the course of small talk, great! It's an appropriate topic of conversation! Otherwise, none of your business!

I also have to say, if your PT is the kind that involves counting repetitions of an exercise, small talk is just a terrible idea.

[mllesatine]

I find the question about my weekend plans way more personal than the one about having kids. Both are of course but I feel a lot more judged by the weekend plans thing. Like I have to justify myself when I say I don't have plans. Usually people drop the subject of kids when I say I don't have any. I don't think I have ever asked that question myself.

[starlady]

I went back and forth on #5. Ultimately I voted microaggression because I figured it was the cishet patriarchy that was brainwashing me into thinking it wasn't a microaggression.

"Are you from here originally?" is absolutely a microaggression to anyone who doesn't "look white" imo. In settings where I knew people of all backgrounds were likely to be from other places (my grad school program, etc) I started flipping it around by asking "Are you from [city/state in which we are located]?"

I don't love small talk, and imo as someone who did do a lot of PT they shouldn't be trying to talk while you're counting reps imo!

[mllesatine]

When I was very young we had a neighbour who was very good at getting me to talk about my family. My mother didn't like her nosiness and told me to not talk about the family anymore. I still remember what she said to me: "Lass dich nicht ausfragen!" (Don't let yourself be interrogated/quizzed.) I felt very foolish back then because I hadn't realized what the neighbour was doing. I'm sure that she asked common questions you ask a child (what my dad is doing for work was one of them) but even that was too intrusive for my mom. So I guess I can blame my aversion to small talk on my mother. I got it from her!

Also I hate talking about my weekend plans with strangers. It's not interesting for others and also not something I would ask another person because as long as those plans don't involve me I don't care what people do with their free time.

[st_aurafina]

I see it as a performative dance you have to do to get good care? I talk about gardening, I talk about pets, I talk about housework and chores. I don't enjoy it, but I need what they're offering.

I get that they would be uncomfortable with silence, and there is no polite way to ask if we could skip the conversation, so... you just do it? To get along?

I know lilacsigil flagged #3 as a racist microaggression for me, but I think that's eased off lately. And it's in no way comparable to what a non-white person has to go through.

[rattfan]

Small talk does sometimes make me uncomfortable but like someone said above, it depends on context. None of the answers felt exactly right so I didn't take the poll.

I really don't do small talk myself so I can react oddly to it, or judging by the reactions I get, it's odd. Like I'll tell them what sort of weekend I had and usually "fine" is not it. I try not to do that. Same as when they ask how I am and sometimes I tell them. I rarely remember to ask these things myself; it seems unnecessary to me. I don't mean to be unfriendly but can come over that way, it seems.

Despite being blotchy pink in colour (red in summer) I sometimes get the origin question because my mother is English and apparently I can sound English rather than Australian. Then I bore the questioner to death with my family history :-)

[mllesatine]

Well, where is your mother from originally? :)

I absolutely did not read the origin question as country based. Only as one wanting to know if I was born in the city I live in. When you talk to someone who speaks German you just assume they are from Germany but I get now how this might play differently in English speaking countries.

(I'm sure there is a huge difference between Austrian and German dialects but since I don't have the ear for them I would never reveal my own stupidity of asking someone in Munich if they are from there. Don't want this Viennese person to snidely ask me if I can't hear it. *g*)

Off-topic comment is off-topic

[rydra_wong]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ga6RCoOCQP0&feature=emb_title

Wow, Jonny's eyeliner game is indeed excellent.

Also I continue to be amused and delighted by how so many of the Rusty Quillers have strong but wildly divergent ideas of how to dress up for an Occasion: Alex has his CEO (Definitely Not An Intern) Suit, Alasdair low-key cosplays as a sea captain, and Jonny is Make Eyes Pretty.

[oursin]

In the British - possibly specifically English - context, there are versions of 3 and 4 which are traditionally about placing people in terms of class, but would be more likely to be approached in social contexts than small talk in the kind of situation posited.

[lilliburlero]

Do not like, do not want. It's much easier now that I'm seen as a man in most such situations and the type of small talk (traffic, weather, news) is more the sort I'm comfortable with, or in the case of sport, can usually say a few non-committal words about and let the sports-bore knock themselves out as ambient noise. I can't remember the last time I was asked about marriage or kids, regardless of my presentation, so I might give off A Vibe there - I'd see it as a microaggression if it ever happened.

Irish people ask absolutely everyone where they're from - it's still racist sometimes of course, and Irish POC routinely get the "But where are you REALLY from?" crap. But for me personally it's not a microaggression: as a white person with an English accent I expect it, even though I'm careful to point out I'm an Irish citizen.