my castle needs a moat

[kindkit]

I haven't done a poll in ages, so here's one based on my recent experience of bailing out on hosting a Buffy rewatch and potluck evening. Partly I bailed for good reasons (e.g. heat and lack of air conditioning), but partly because the thought of having people--people I like!--in my living space was making me miserable with dread and anxiety.

I think if my apartment was divisible into private and public spaces, I might feel somewhat differently. But I live in a studio. People would see my sleeping area and they'd have to go through it to get to the bathroom. Hmmm. I also might feel differently if my job didn't involve dealing with people all the damn time, so that my home is very much an introvert's refuge.

Anyway, I'm curious about other people's views.

Poll #18560

This poll is anonymous.
Open to: Registered Users, detailed results viewable to: Just the Poll Creator, participants: 25

How do you feel about having guests (short-term, not overnight) in your house/apartment?

I love it!
2 (8.0%)

I enjoy it.
8 (32.0%)

It's okay.
4 (16.0%)

I don't really like it.
7 (28.0%)

Arrrrgh, no, this is my space, go away!
4 (16.0%)

Comments

[the_rck]

For me, it varies wildly. If I'm physically exhausted (yea for unpredictable physical issues), I can't deal with it except by kind of shutting down until people leave. When I'm feeling well, I really, really enjoy having people over and did even when I lived in a studio apartment, but it's entirely dependent on how I feel.

I'm agoraphobic, so I can't just go out in search of social interactions when I'm feeling physically well.

For all of those personality tests that identify extroversion/introversion, how I rate depends heavily on whether they ask what I do or what I want to do.

[kindkit]

*nods* I hadn't really thought about ability/disability issues, but of course I should have because they're going to make a big difference for many people.

[genarti]

I'd have a much, much harder time in a studio apartment, for the record. I've never lived in a place that didn't have a living room space except for in university dorms.

Given that: it depends a lot. With people who aren't super close friends, it can be fun, for a defined time after which people are going to leave again, but I want to have that timeframe clearly mentally set aside; it's going to be fun but it's going to be draining, and I need to know when I can expect to be able to be alone and flop and decompress. With very close friends, I'm much more willing to have it be loosely defined. This can extend to a mixed group of very close and some less close friends, too, if I can trust that a) I don't have to do all the social entertaining and hosting because my close friends will help keep things going, and b) those same close friends will be able to tell when enough's enough, and will help wind the party down. In a situation where I was the only host and didn't have any trusted sort of deputy hosts, I'd be a lot more hesitant to host and a lot more drained at the end of it.

...Also it depends on whether I know these people are sort of sloppy housekeepers or good enough friends to not judge some mess, or if I feel that I have to tidy everything to achieve a sufficient facade of adulthood.

[kindkit]

The tidying thing is a big deal. I'm not extremely messy (though sometimes things get away from me if I'm stressed or not feeling well), but I feel like if I have people over, everything has to be impeccable.

[lilacsigil]

Even though I enjoy having the occasional visitor, I still get very anxious beforehand, and people showing up without warning is horrible. Fortunately, I live a long way away from friends and family, so it's not very often that guests are here.

[malnpudl]

Even though I enjoy having the occasional visitor, I still get very anxious beforehand

Yes. This. Me, too.

And SO VERY MUCH this:

people showing up without warning is horrible

OMG DON'T DO THAT. DON'T EVER DO THAT.

[kindkit]

When I was a kid, unannounced visitors were normal. This was in a rural area and a lot of people didn't have phones, so they'd just show up. I usually hated it at the time--I felt intruded upon, even though my parents didn't mind--and I would be appalled if anybody did that to me now.

[malnpudl]

I have powerful mixed feelings. I really do enjoy it, once it's happening. But the anticipation is very uncomfortable; my house-keeping is minimal at best, and at times certain things get away from me. Getting the public areas of the house into even minimally acceptable condition is really stressful, and makes me both anxious and cranky as all get out. But then people come, and it's all worth it, and I immediately get wistful about when I can do it again.

In your situation, with no clear boundaries or visual/physical barriers between public and private space, it would be considerably more stressful, I think.

[kindkit]

Yeah, the beforehand stress is hard, and so is the cleaning. It's weird because I can't help wishing I was the kind of person who threw wonderful dinners and parties and whose house everyone loved to be in, but in reality I am not that kind of person at all. (Mind you, if I had the kind of house/apartment implied by such a fantasy, and staff to help me keep it party-ready--which is also implied by the fantasy, I think--it might be different.)

[el_staplador]

I like the company, but the 'spare room' is my study, so I lose my bolthole when we have people staying, and boy do I miss it.

[kindkit]

I can imagine!

[lilliburlero]

My 'okay' suggests an equanimity I don't really feel: I enjoy it when people are actually there, but I get wound up beforehand and take a long time to recover afterwards. Ireland lags behind other countries when it comes to home entertaining; it's much more common than when I arrived, but the pub's primacy as a place to socialise dies hard, which suits me.

[kindkit]

I wish it were possible to do the Buffy watching in a pub or a coffee shop. I'm actually thinking about suggesting that, since the actual "watching Buffy" thing is hardly happening,* that we just start meeting for drinks.

*Out of the five of us, there's one person who cannot stop talking, two people who are also quite talkative and who are vocal in their hatred of a major character, one person who has a rambunctious two-year-old child, and me. I'm trying to accept that this is going to be more about hanging out than about the show, but I thought we were going to watch and maybe even discuss, and it's hard. Real life: not as fannish as fandom.

[mrs260]

Some factors for me not liking it include a tiny space (400 sq ft) and inadequate furniture for entertaining. (1 comfy chair, 1 office chair, no table.) I'm also a messy person and I'd have to clean before letting anyone into my lair.

[kindkit]

That sounds familiar! I have the lack-of-chairs problem too.

[vilakins]

I enjoy the company if they're friends and not 1) my annoying and critical sister or 2) a friend's argumentative and arrogant partner, but I don't enjoy sharing the space, not being able to relax and have my introvert me time. We're both introverts and pretty much feel the same way.

[kindkit]

Introvert vs. extrovert has got to be a factor in this. But now I'm wondering if there are extroverts who love being with people in bars or whatever but don't like having guests in their living space. Maybe I'll do a follow-up poll!

[malnpudl]

My thoroughly extroverted cousin loves entertaining in her home, but even she had to create a boundary "Rule of Eight":

1 guest: 8 day maximum stay
2 guests: 4 days
4 guests: 2 days
8 guests: Dinner party

She says it's the only way to do it and remain sane (at least for her).

[magnetic_pole]

Fun poll! Like others here, I wasn't able to convey my ambivalence properly. :) My partner is very social and loves entertaining, so we have people over fairly often. I'm introverted and anxious enough that I dread it slightly every time, though I always enjoy it once the guests arrive. So "I enjoy it" = three parts "I love it!" plus one part "Arrrgh, no, this is my space, go away!"

On a related note: It's much easier to have folks over in a larger apartment (our one-bedroom vs. previous studios). I empathize! M.